One Piece, Two Piece, Three Piece, Four

So I had to have a two piece. I finally got myself one that I loved, and after a quick subway ride, a train ride and 1/4 mile walk we all hit the beach, more bags of stuff than people, but ok, who's counting, and we're Jewish so we had to have enough food for (n*3) people where n is the number of people actually involved in the activity. Here is my suit from the Gap ($28) - so cheap, and just perfect, especially since the top ties at the top at the neck and the bottom to get it to fit just right.

But, we get to the beach and, lo, my friend has on an adorable black one piece! So now I need that too. And can't a luckier chick have more than one bathing suit? Especially if she lives under the delusion that she will go often enough to some body of water that she actually requires at least two, because one is always wet? As delusions go, this is a pretty benign one, you must admit. And here is an awesome black one piece from Lands End for $24.99. Look at it - it is even more customizable than my little bikini. You can choose from two torso lengths as well as three bra types and four cup sizes. Maybe all of Simsbury was right to do all its shopping from Lands End? Ugh, painful images of polos, khakis, webbed blets and boat shoes (all worn by the girls, mind you, and not when preppy was the style) from my high school days come flooding back. Maybe just stick to this suit.

Safety Shoes

OK - I have to admit I am nervous about buying shoes anywhere that has a "leather collection." When I was coming up my mother made it very clear that all our shoes must be made of leather, no options, case closed. So the notion that a store would brag that it sells a handful of shoes made of natural materials is a bit scary to me, although it would surely be of interest to the ruffled-sweater-wearing-vegan.

But I do think at $34.50 these are amazing. Again, like with the wedges, I like a thick heel that doesn't get trapped in the sidewalk and cause me, my purse, and my laptop to collapse in a heap. (Of course, when I wear the thick heel, I have nothing to blame the inevitable tumble on but but my utter lack of grace. Except maybe that my parents didn't give me dance lessons! Yes! It's their fault!) And the shoe reminds me very much of the opening to a show called Makin' It that aired for one season only, but whose theme song has never left my brain. Which explains why there is no room for anything new. (It is all the fault of the show! Yes! It's the show's fault!)

Why So Sad?

Oh, young model with the hair color that I plan to adopt this fall because the bright red was just too unstable, why do you look so glum? You are wearing a lovely tank that's only 20 bucks. Perhaps you mistook the color 'wine' for 'whine'. Perhaps you noticed that the pictures of this tank in other colors were much more flattering. Regardless, you could really use a cupcake.

Suit Up!

Look at this suit, y'all (I've been reading up on Jamie Lynn's baby)! How can you not love it? First the obvious - it has an underwire, if you want you and your breasts to arrive at the beach at the same time, and not with a 3 second delay. Second, it has the boy short bottom, a shape I have been in love with since finding the most amazing Liza Bruce boy short suit at the Neiman's Last Call sale in college. Sooo, much sexier than the thong, and saves on the sunblock. But then there is the madras plaid. Do you not just live for it?

(For a (luckier) chick who doesn't do patterns or colors, I am so very completely smitten by anything madras. Even better is madras patchwork! Or a different madras on the sleeves, back and front. What is wrong with me?)

And I love this suit because to me it appeals at once to both the East Village hipster doofus and the New England prepster wasp. Of course, as neither, I could be completely off-base. You vote at right and tell me. But not before you place your order (and Amanda has been kind enough to help you with the discount, y'all). But please, let's skip those rain boots. It makes stilettos and a bathing suit seem almost reasonable. And it's $26.

Look, Ma, No Colors!

A bead necklace is an excellent way to add a pop of color. A pop of color is an excellent way to give me a stroke. So I have managed to find myself the perfect bead necklace, one that sports crystal beads in an assortment of sizes and non-colors. Just look at that smoky brownish color. Isn't it set off perfectly by that more reddish brownish color? And don't both colors really pop against those completely clear crystals?

OK, it actually comes in other colors that are actually colors. There's a version with blues, purples and turquoise. And one in shades of pinks, magentas and purples. And at $6 (in person, if not on the site), you really can't go wrong. Well, you really can't go wrong. I couldn't take that risk, so I went with the necklace of non-color.

Bag Lady

I hate camping. I think that sleeping in beds, rather than on the ground, is what separates us from the animals. Also, if the outdoors was so great, why would have built houses? I rest my case.

Yet despite my hatred of camping, I love sleeping bags. They're so warm and comfy, and they have one of my favorite activities (sleeping!) in their very name! (And one of my favorite accessories, "bags.") Which is why I especially like this coat from Brooklyn Industries. It's a sleeping bag you can wear! It's easy to forget on a beautiful summer day how difficult it can be to wake up on an icy February morning. But I remember: it's tough. So make it easier by zipping yourself into this sleeping bag before you step out your door into that frozen tundra. An extra-comfy buffer against the harsh reality of a cold winter day. And it makes it that much easier to sleep on the subway.

It's on sale for $80; plus, true to form, I found a $5-off coupon code. But you're gonna have to find it for yourself. I will teach you to fish, but I won't give you the fish.

Sheep Meadow Sandals

One of my favorite summer time activities is hanging out in Central Park, lying on a blanket, reading a book. I guess there's nothing particularly unusual about that. But when I go it has to be a work day. Sheep Meadow is exponentially more enjoyable when I know that everyone else is at work. And these are just the lazy shoes to wear on your walk over, before you kick them off and collapse on your blanket. Acoustic guitar optional.

At $16.80, if you should happen to fall asleep 2 pages into your book, but after finishing your tabloid, and not notice when the shoes get carried off in the mouth of a frisky off-the-leash cocka-poo, it's not an unbearable loss.

Let Your Ass Do the Talking

For a person afraid that wearing any sort of pattern will make me look like a clown, I have a very odd propensity for buying clothes with words written across the seat. It started years ago, when I was 18 visiting my friend Vicky in Phoenix and spotted a college student with ASU written across the rear end of her sweat pants. I was hooked right there on the 107 degree spot. Immediately following my trip Vicky sent me a pair and I wore those "Ass-U" pants until they were simply three letters holding together a bunch of cotton/poly blend holes.

And then, along came Juicy. Do I have to call it Juicy "Couture"? Because, my mad love for writing across the derriere aside, that is just not couture. The Juicy craze led to one of my favorite exchanges on Gilmore Girls:

Lorelai: Mom?
Emily: Were you asleep?
Lorelai: Uh... no.
Emily: Then why are you in your pajamas?
Lorelai: These aren't pajamas...
Emily: You wear that in public??
Lorelai: ... Hi mom, would you like to come in?
Emily: You have the word "juicy" on your rear end!
Lorelai: Well, if I'd known you were coming over I would have changed.
Emily: Into what? A brassiere with the word "tasty" on it?

Then buttocks-writing really hit the big time. And Victoria's Secret followed fast with its Pink line and my life has never been the same. When they have their big sale (now!) I am out the door like a shot picking up any pair of utterly adorable bottoms I can get my hand on with any variety of not-especially-clever word or phrase written across the rump. My most/least favorite is "Phi Beta Pink". And right now they are all on sale - in person, not so much online - for like $10. Get your boring, mute tush in there this minute!

Shopping is next to Godliness

I've noticed that we never really blog about H&M here, which is odd, because it's pretty much a mecca in our world. Seriously, I face the one on 5th Ave when I pray. I think it's because their site isn't so conducive to online shopping, requiring us to actually go to the store and do primary research as opposed to the passive, secondary, internet-surfing kind we prefer.

But please, don't underestimate my undying love for H&M. (If you're still skeptical, I can send you my 50-page thesis on the company. No, seriously.) Their web site does have this cute little "Dressing Room" function that lets you "try on" their clothes with a virtual model. (You can upload a picture and enter your measurements and they will adjust your virtual model to look more like you, but I am fearful of what the result would look like and will instead stick with the generic chick.)

Anyway, my virtual model has excellent taste and picked this very cute tube dress, which hm.com tells me is $5.90! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my house of worship. I have some shopping to do.

Codebreaker

Since Jayn so kindly shared her hobby with us a few posts back, I thought it was time to fill you in on mine. I enjoy searching the Internet for coupon codes. I do it every time I make an online purchase, and I also get great joy out of finding coupon codes for other people (I earned my keep -- and possibly a larger share in the will -- while temporarily living with my grandparents by finding discount codes for all of my grandmother's online purchases). If you ask nicely, I will probably find some for you.

Luckily for all of us, there are people who devote an even greater percentage of their time than I to this pursuit, and have created myriad web sites dedicated to the craft. So yesterday, when I found this super-cute bathing suit on Victoria's Secret's site, I was able to pop over to Google, type in "Victoria's Secret coupon codes," and with a little bit of research, end up with 25% off, free shipping and a bonus beach tote. The total came to $21 and change!

If you're interested in copying my awesome score, the codes were "swimtote," "beach25," and "swimsuits." The suit comes in 15 different colors/patterns, so at $21, you should totally buy two (and even pattern-phobic Jayn can find one she likes). Plus you have a choice of different bottom styles, so you can find one that best suits your butt -- crucial, I know.

Some of the codes I used may have expired on 6/15, but even if you can't use them, the suit is still totally worth it at $29. It's just not as fun that way.

Julius M. Schaeffer and Yetta

First I found this Simply Vera bag. Yes, it's not leather - but that's perfect for summer. You take it to the beach, you drip ice cream on it, you get caught in a sudden thunder storm - and you wipe it and go. And you can't tell, but it's plum, a nice change of pace! I was already digging this bag when I read the name - Ombre. Now I have no idea why anyone would name this bag "Ombre", but is there anywhere out there who can say or read "Ombre" without doing it in the same cadence and voice of Joey's perfume-sprayer nemesis? And doesn't just saying "Ombre" that way make you feel so happy? Having this $53 bag will guarantee you chronic long term happiness.





So, I thought I was done with Kohl's site - and then I saw this bee-yoo-tee-ful, to quote my Aunt Yetta, Simply Vera dress. In fact, this $39 dress is the antithesis of the white, polyester double knit, Florida retiree slacks Florida retiree Aunt Yetta favored - it is sleek and sexy and it glitters. It is not something you would wear to buy chickens at Oriole Kosher. You must click on this link and then view the incredibly gorgeous sequined razorback. Only problem is the website has only size 12 available. Which sucks if that is not your size. Then you have to go into Kohl's in person and be incredibly put off by their checkout counters that are more Safeway than Saks (think conveyor belt). Now there's a setup Aunt Yetta would really have dug. And she'd buy the Ombre bag - it's roomy enough for all the sweet'n'low packets she'd swipe at lunch in the clubhouse.

The Hobbyist

It's hard to believe how many hobbies I find time for. In addition to laundering clothes, scrubbing toilets and correcting people's grammar, I also return things. Whereas some folks entertain themselves with shopping, only a select few can fashion an entire pastime out of returning. Sure, you may buy things and later change your mind and return them, but how many of you return things you intend to keep? Less cryptically, I buy something I expect to go on sale, then buy it again on sale, and return the original at full price. And, in the case of this shirt, I performed a third iteration, buying the shirt on its second reduction and returning the first two shirts. As you can imagine, this hobby demands excellent receipt filing skills and the ability to do a cost/benefit analysis on the spot, each time your notice your item on further reduction (is it really worth my time for $4.99? for $7.99?"). I am fairly certain, though, that I read somewhere that these sorts of calculations keep your mind strong and ward off dementia.

Anyway, this shirt is so cute, and it is now $15 (depending on the color), from $45. Great under a suit, and you can whip off your jacket for the boiling commute. And you have me to thank for having to buy it only once - for those of you that don't see the joy in the hobby that is returning.

No Animals Were Hurt in the Creation of this Cardi

First I want to know why we call a camisoles a cami and yet we don't call a cardigan 'cardi,' like our good friends in the UK do. Let's start a grass movement, folks. Finally an issue that really matters - I want to see this addressed in the next presidential debate.



Second, while I was not home on Friday night doing my laundry and not watching "What Not to Wear" I did not see this vegan sweater. On the hanger in the Gap it did not appeal to me, but on this vegan victim on the show it looked adorable. Turns out the Gap is the perfect place for vegans, what with almost everything there being made from cotton or possibly a blend. (OK, I guess I assumed hemp was more the vegan's speed, but chalk that up to ignorance.) And it turns out that vegans eschew not only leather, but anything animal related - so silk is from poor, overworked, under-compensated silk worms who doubtless have a crappy 401k matching program and it therefore cannot be worn - same I guess for wool, which I can't even think about as the NYC threatens to break temperature records. But this cardi is 100% cruelty free (except I suppose for the cotton weevils mudered out in the field) and 100% cute.

I Would Say "Color is the New Black" But It's Not and Anwyay, I am So Over That Construct

Who are we kidding? I'll get this in gray. But it does come in a whole palette of beautiful jewel tones. All of which I will earnestly consider before grabbing the dress in slate gray. If there are any gray left, since this NYC after all, and those articles they write pretty much every summer about how this summer is the summer of color never seem to get through to us New Yorkers. Seriously - do they re-write those articles every year or just recycle ("leverage," if you will) them? Kind of what I always wonder about baby magazines - don't they pretty much need only 9 months' worth of content which they can just republish in FIFO sequence?

Oh - it's only $13.80.

The Subway Blouse

Not to be confused with the "wheelbarrow" dress, the subway blouse is perfect for commuting in the hot weather suddenly upon us. You know how you head out to work and it's a bright, sunny morning and you're happy to be alive, if not happy to be going to work, and then you head down those two flights of gum-encrusted, AM New York-littered stairs into the train station and stand dripping, on a subway platform that is inexplicably a full 27 degrees hotter than the street? This is the shirt for that commute, and it's $20. Sure, it looks dressy, but it's hardly there at all. And of course, you would pair it with something a little less Country Joe and the Fish. OK, I don't really know who Country Joe and the Fish are, but believe you me, this is their shirt. Try for a somewhat more sophisticated solid cami, possibly a nice absorbant cotton

Somewhere out there is the "office blouse," the blouse you can wear in the hot, hot, hot subway (so hot that if it were coffee, my mother would drink it) and still be comfortable in the icicle-encrusted office.