So - which ass-kicking boots do I buy?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Don't think about walruses

Like most incoming college students, I had to attend orientation the summer before my freshman year. Because my orientation was exclusively for Honors students, my experience may have been slightly different than that of some of the other freshmen. When the older student leading a workshop on choosing a major told us that his major was zoology, one of my really cool fellow Honors students took this as an opportunity to announce that he really loved walruses. I'm sure he thought this would make him cool in the eyes of this upperclassman, because not understanding what cool means is an inherent problem among Honors students. But instead, the orientation leader, who it later turned out was something of an expert in the field of researching some obscure sort of shellfish, announced, calmly but with a monumental amount of disdain the likes of which I have not heard before or since, "I have no interest in vertebrates."

This line -- and its delivery -- have stuck with me for many years, as I hoped I would someday have the opportunity to use it (or a variant, as I really don't feel one way or the other about vertebrates). And finally, after all this time, I am able to conclusively state:

I have no interest in leggings.

I just don't. I'm not interested in how comfortable they are, or any benefits they have. My disdain for the legging knows no bounds. I'm not interested in them. I'm not interested in them, and I want them to go away. And when they do, I hope they are accompanied by all those awkward, too-long-to-be-a-shirt-too-short-to-be-a-dress garments that were made to be worn with them, so the rest of us are not forced to spend time in stores holding things up to our person suspiciously and wondering why someone thought to make a dress that won't cover anyone's ass.

And when leggings do go away, we can all keep our legs warm under our dresses by wearing tights instead. This $12 dress looks great with them.

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