Scarf it down

We get it, Winter. You've been feeling a little overlooked, what with all the talk about global warming, and you just want to remind us all you're still here. Well, let me assure you that with the third blizzard, you really got your point across. We remember you. You can stop now.

But just in case you don't, I've shelled out $3 bucks for this scarf.

Wrap It Up, I'll Take It

I still don't believe that a warm-blooded human should ever wear a scarf in the heat, whether that be the white hot lights on the American Idol stage or the oven that is the NYC subway in the summer, but I am now willing to acknowledge the value of the flimsy scarf. I'm sure it has a real name, but I don't know what it it is and I don't care what it is, and I think the term flimsy scarf makes my point quite clearly. I mean those wide, fringed, usually rayon or cotton, flimsy scarves.


The flimsy scarf is perfect for that weather we in my family call 'in-betveen,' when a light jacket is just not quite enough. It's also the perfect accessory for the purely hypothetical office that is freezing in summer and freezinger in winter. One where many of the vents are taped over with duct tape or jammed with deli napkins, and you could swear that over by the copier there is a hint of snow in the air.

Here's a cute $12.50 one from Old Navy. Notice that because it is multiple colorful patterns on a single item, I can still wear it despite both my pattern and color phobias. I think that somehow a colorful multi-patterned item paradoxically works to soothe my phobias in much the same way that ritalin calms those with ADHD, despite its being a stimulant. Also it's possible I have had too much diet coke today.

The Snowy Day

Sometimes, nothing goes your way. Sometimes it's Monday morning, and you wake up to a snowstorm, yet another sign that winter is NEVER GOING AWAY, and the knowledge that you have to go into work and deal with all the things that you didn't finish last week, despite staying late every single day.

Sometimes your clients are mad at your entire team for something that admittedly got screwed up, though not because of anything you did, but they can't yell at your entire team and instead will just yell at you, and sometimes you know that that is gonna happen today.

Sometimes your boyfriend will have the day off, on account of the snow, and even though it's just as snowy where you are, and you have never had a snow day in your entire LIFE, you still won't have one today, and instead you will have to GO to work and deal with all of the above.

And then sometimes, if you're really lucky, your building will be evacuated due to a "smoke situation," and you will tell everyone that you are going to work from home, when you really mean you are going to "work" from "home," and you will leave to join that boyfriend-with-the-day-off and go sledding in the park.

If that happens, you should bring a scarf.

Real Feel of 15 Degrees

It's finally here - actual scarf weather. For those of you who had to be chastised, first for the inside scarf (how many American Idol wannabes crooned their hearts out whilst being strangled by a 6 foot long indoor scarf?) and then the summer scarf (please), your time is here.

Make hay while the sun shines, or some other Laura Ingalls Wilder aphorism, because, once those cute little green buds of spring make their first appearance, I will be coming by your apartment, condo, house, co-op, or commune and confiscating each and every scarf for storage through the warmer months. Protecting you from yourself.

Give Sleeves a Chance

There is simply no excuse for what I witnessed on my way home today: a tank top and scarf. If you're chilly - and since it's October, you well might be - consider wearing a shirt with sleeves. Sleeves are that part of a garment that encases your arms. And now that you know what sleeves are, I bet you will find if you open your drawer that you actually own some clothing with this incredibly functional feature! Now, sh0uld you not own any sleeved garments, and only in that dire circumstance, might I suggest you buy some sleevies. Anything but the scarf. It's all we are saying.

Sit This One Out

It's August. In New York City. So, it's what, 107 degrees? You know what would go awesome with my drippy cami, melted makeup and generally sour outlook? A bottle of icy cold diet pepsi? Nah. A personal cooling system? Huh-uh. An eight-foot long, smothering wool boa constricter wrapped around my neck? Hell, yeah! Bring it on.

The New York Times spotted this trend and attributed it to cold offices and subways. Flying in the face of this article is pure logic. Ignoring the fact that there is no evidence on record of the subway system ever dropping below 86 degrees, why are all the people in the article shown wearing scarves outside? Over a sundress? And, pressure points aside, are you really warmer by wearing just a scarf? It's like the whole vest conundrum. When has anyone ever said, "Dude, my torso is like ice, but my arms are perfectomundo. Where can I find myself some piece of apparel that will heat up my trunk while leaving my appendages exactly as they are?" If my father-in-law had seen the NYT piece, he would no doubt have bellowed, "Who I am for you?!" which loosely translates to "Do you mistake me for a recent immigrant who is easily fooled? I assure you, I am not."

You're cold in your office? I don't care. Bring a sweater. Keep it on the back of your chair, the way God intended. (Recent zoological expeditions have shown that the wheelie-bottomed Aero chair is in fact the natural habitat of the cardigan.) Buy this one. Or use the one you are already using at work, because even you have to admit that that summer scarf didn't do a damn thing inside. And anyway, it got all sweaty on the commute.