The Perfect Quarantine Pant

I have been in quarantine all week. Working, holding 10 conference calls a day, but in quarantine nonetheless. I started out dressed in actual clothes, but I've been sliding downhill all week. Today's pants are very loose and flowy, and the fold-over knit waistband is gentle to my person, but the pants are linen and that's just too formal for quarantine. As day four of my quarantine approaches, these cargo capri sweatpants seem to be the perfect next step in my quarantine pants continuum. Exiting the realm of the cargo, but not yet entering the kingdom of the sweatpant. And I need to pace myself, lest I find myself in 3 day-old pajama bottoms with cheezit stains I have no recollection of making.

Opposites Attractive

Oxymoronic name aside, these 'teeny wide leg' wool blend pants are a steal at $24! They have these snazzy narrow leather belt loops and no waistband. And on the back, little wood heart buttons - but, alas, no words across the ass. So few trousers for work offer that feature.

Tuck You

Lately Amanda and I have been struggling with a very challenging issue: what pants can you tuck into awesome snow/rain boots? (And before you answer 'skinny jeans,' please remember that some of us can't wear them to work or don't always feel so skinny.) I know you haven't heard our new president mention this daunting topic, but it's only because even he has no idea how to approach this one. "Economy, two wars, gay rights? Check, check, check. Pants to wear with rain boots? Michelle needs me to meet with the new decorator, but you let me know how that works out."

Today it snowed. And we had to go to work. So once again this conundrum raised its ugly conundrum head. And then... here they are! Brooklyn Industries, $48 from $88. Plus they're called trousers, which is just a word I enjoy saying. Trousers. Trousers. Trousers. I need to get more sleep.

Go Gators

Hey, remember me? I used to write for this blog. Then I fell off the face of the planet. It wasn't easy, but I found my way back, and just in time, too! I am, of course, referring to last week's BCS Championship game. I am sure you are all as excited as I am about the Florida Gators winning their second national title in football in 3 years, and eager to celebrate. Luckily, Victoria's Secret is making it easy to do that. Check out these adorable yoga pants -- just $17! They're perfect for sitting around on the couch and watching the game -- or, you know, yoga, if that's your thing. I suppose you don't HAVE to get the Gators style, but keep in mind that no other team are the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.

Health Warning Unheeded

I am growing concerned that the general population has not taken the earlier warning on 'forgot to put on pants syndrome' as seriously as it warrants. Very recently I met up with some colleagues and was horrified to find that one had shown up in a cute shirt and leggings. I hope she did not notice as I stared intently at her nearly naked bottom half while moving slowly, but deliberately, across the room from her. I cannot risk catching this illness - it's cookie season, the worst possible time to catch it - and exposing my nearly naked ass to the scrutiny of the world.

Please! Inoculate yourself immediately. Pick up any of the following bargains and slip them over your legs and ass ASAP. If you have a balance in your flexible spending account, consider charging in these pants as they are a prophylactic purchase.

$14.50 cords - take with breakfast and don't take off all day.

These $32 velvet pants are prescribed for the times you would ordinarily choose 'formal leggings.' They are named "Lindsay." Hmmmm. Snark at Ann Taylor?

The cute back pockets on this pair of jeans ($44) provides you extra protection against FTPOPS .

Trgt Rcks!

Once, when I went to visit my sister in Atlanta, she picked me up from the airport and drove me directly to a Target. The best part was that I didn't suggest it to her, she just knew in her heart of hearts that it was the right thing to do. So tonight I am in Dallas for work and I went out to dinner with my parents. As soon as we got in the car, to drop me back at my hotel, I asked, innocently enough, "Can you believe I didn't make you take me to Target?"

So here's what I found when we got there - these awesome Supp Low-Rse Twll Chno in Cfe Ltte pants for only $20. I love the color and the soft cotton and the front pockets. They actually remind me of the pants worn in this picture of my pal Kevin, the dirty kid on the left, who was just pushed in the mud by his brother Chuck, the somewhat larger, more self-satisfied looking child on the right. Maybe the connection isn't really there. Maybe after 11 years I still can't get enough of this photo. Not unlike my love of Target, my love for this photo is boundless.

Citywide Health Alert!

NEWSFLASH: A disturbing affliction seems to have struck girls across this city: "Forgot-to-put-on-pants Syndrome." This very specific form of Alzheimer's seems to be particularly prevalent among the hipster community, leading experts to believe it may be caused by increased exposure to stupid hats.

"It can be very embarrassing for these young women," said a leading expert on the epidemic. "Obviously no one intends to wear a shirt like that as a dress. That would just be insane. Instead, it is done accidentally, due to sudden onset of FTPOP Syndrome. They just forget to put their pants on and walk out the house as if they are fully dressed." At right, Exhibits A and B.

Thankfully, a cure is available, said this very credible source, who wished to remain anonymous. "The answer is to buy more pants. Having a cute pair readily available at all times can help to fight the spread of this unfortunate condition." For maximum effect, 4 out of 5 doctors recommend gray skinny jeans, like this $40 pair from H&M.

The Long and Short of It

Short shorts are never appropriate for the office. That's just my humble opinion, but my opinion is always right. And rarely humble. I have blogged previously about how casual my office is, but I do believe there is a limit, and shorts that can barely be seen under the long peasant top with which you have paired them go beyond that limit. (Ditto the slept-in-for-three-days-and-then-thrown-under-an-M15-bus t-shirt look. I get it, guy on the 3rd floor. You're creative, you need to wear jeans and a super-trendy t-shirt so people know it. But frankly, you look like a complete slob.)

So to all the chicks with whom I work who cannot bear to imprison their knees inside a fabric cell, I offer these. The cropped pant. A close cousin to the short short, but long enough to demonstrate that you know the difference between your office and Central Park. These flare out enough to ensure that no one will think you're wearing your little sister's pants. And they're available in more sizes at the store, on the off-chance that you don't wear a size 0.

Think about it. Do you really want to expose your naked thighs to the petri dish that is a New York City subway seat? There's no cure for some of what's on there.